It's a work day. After having a few days off from the office grind, I realize that 5:30 a.m. routine really sucks for someone who is tired all of the time. Now I am REALLY tired, coffee seems to help. I trudged to the gym, not knowing that it would be the perfect running outside morning, no humidity. Needless to say, it was too late to head back to the apartment, when I felt the fresh crisp air. So off I ran to the gym, how exciting. Mostly because I wanted to catch up with a gym buddy after so many days of being out of touch. I had a dilemma at hand, however. I was scheduled for a 4 mile run and wanted to do some weight training as well.
The reason why Wednesday running in the morning is such an issue now is that there is a social run for the team that I joined a few months back. I go back and forth, go, not go, hot, not so hot, social, antisocial, fast, slow, on and on, in my head. Is that part of the whole aging thing? Can't make a decision? So far I have gone for three of their social runs over the past months because Wednesday nights for me are tough. Work. Work is the biggest obstacle here. Can I get out of here and up to 90th & Fifth by 7:30. Hmm, yes, I can. So there you go, another confession, laziness and lack of motivation prevents me from doing so many things. Now THAT'S this whole thing, of just being tired all of the time. So today is a great day to have an evening run, no humidity at all. But of course, I already ran 4 miles on the treadmill.
So there I was running on the treadmill. I can keep a faster pace than I actually run, in general, outside. So of course, there is a feeling of improvement on the treadmill. I can watch the news over and over and over again, so I feel "current." I have access to the rest room, water and towels to wipe my sweaty brow. Even a fan blows, if I want to cool down. So there I was watching tv, increasing the speed, the incline, feeling okay until...oh my gawd, this hot hot hot feeling begins to rush through me and the sweat pour out of me like buckets. Okay, here we go again, hot flash, maybe? It's the most uncomfortable thing ever. I wake up at 3 a.m. every morning, hot hot hot. Even as I blog here, I can feel the heat rising.
How much longer can I bitch and moan about the hot flashes? I guess until they go away. The feeling of aging is not a happy one, that's all I know. 20s were okay, breaking lose, enjoying the lack of parental control, trying to figure out what to be when I grew up. Always trying to figure out, trying to be so adult as a 20 something, wasn't everyone the same then? My 30s were not much better, I got married just because there was someone to marry for all of the wrong reasons so why the hell not, didn't everyone get married like that? Divorced in my 30s and then converted to "gay life!" Now my 40s, so welcomed, so calm, so zenned out, love my 40s. Years of therapy, change of job in my late 30s, getting "healthy" was the top priority, just like a gay man! Everyone knows what that's like, right???? Everyone loves their 40s, no? Am I wrong about that? I have no clue, but for me, 40 was a nightmare birthday, but an awesome decade of freedom and less stress! Until now.
More later.....
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