Can't stop eating sugar. Getting thicker and thicker around the waist. I keep reading that this is what happens. Increase appetite, increase inches and slowing slowing of metabolism. What is so great about aging? Nothing. We work most of our lives from teenagers to seniors. What is that? Capitalism, greed, working working, only if you are successful and rich, does it all pay off, but for me? I will work until I'm 67 or 70 or maybe even longer at this rate of lack of social security and then what? Death.
I sometimes think that I should just give up running because I can't figure out what the point is for all this pain and sweat. I just heard that running creates endorphins that last 12 hours. I have low grade chronic depression, started exercising at the gym every day and felt better. Then three years ago started running outside instead of on the treadmill. Now look at me? I only hit the gym 2 or 3 times, weather dependent, try to keep the outside thing. Training for my first marathon, following a beginner's training program from Runner's World. But why should I? I will run at 49, and die at 50. Yep, that's the spirit. Or have hip replacement. Or give up Jersey Shore for good. I'm too old for Jersey Shore but it's a great reminder of how I am so happy to be older now. That stuff gets so old so quick.
So I had my long run of 12 miles on Saturday which coincided with the Queens Half Marathon, which I couldn't commit to since it is summer, afterall. I took it slow, left early (6:30) and finished before 9. Not bad, not bad. It was a great morning, loads of people out that early. What did I think about? Not a lot. Mainly about all the people I can't stand at work, haha. No hot flashes, they came later in the day, whoa, awful. Today to the gym, 3 miles on the dreadmill, while watching the news. Now eating brownies and more brownies. My foot feeling all sorts of weird, tingling, numb, pain. Went to the Chinese herbalist and he suggested some herbal pills, 30 pills a day and should do the trick. Much less than acupuncture which is 10x at $40. I have taken 20 today, instead of aleve. Let's see.
The Bachorlette, HAHAHA. Breeders are so stupid. I think that Bentley was the most honest contestant yet. Love it!!!! This what we have come to? I watched the Brady Bunch, Partridge Family, ER, real shows. Reality scripted shows, scripted so that can't be reality. And the whole dating scene, girls playing games and guys playing along. Careful, do you really know these people? Oh email and texting, that's knowing someone, FOOL.
Maybe I'm just too old. Turning into my mother. Bitter and angry. So I keep running. I run to clear my mind, I run to forget, I run to remember, I run to understand, I just run. Run through the discomfort, the heat, the hot flashes. Most of the time alone, but there are times with strangers. I wonder how much longer I will be able to keep motivated.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
So Gay
What's that mean? So gay as in gay-like or just gay. Who knows? Someone, a gay man, said that he doesn't want "gay" to go mainstream. I have to say, hey, I agree. It's all about the same-sex marriage passing in New York State. It's great to have a choice but really? Marriage is such an overrated institution of pressure, expectation and delusions. Yep, that's what I say. Who says you have to be with this one person forEVA? God, dear gawd, who the hell is this God who says that "until death do we part." Oh really? Divorce, annulment, fuck you UNTIL DEATH DO WE PART!!! Seriously, who wants to be like those breeders who breed irresponsibility, don't take care of their unwanted (leave that to the gays, but don't let them adopt; foster), who marry just to marry and then have vicious divorces, custody battles. Poor kids, their parents suck. Who wants to be a breeder? I couldn't agree more, don't let "gay" go mainstream, who needs that b.s.
If you haven't been married, and don't really have the choice to get married, then of course, you want to get married. It's like that whole maternity leave bullshit, I want three months off just because I choose to, and get paid for it. I choose not to have kids, so why do I have to go to work every day and earn my days off? I have no sympathy when mothers complain about sleepless nights, hey, no one told you to have a baby. Rules should be imposed, have a baby, adopt a baby. Take care of your annoying breeding brothers and sisters who can't take care of their pups. Or get fixed. We impose spaying and neutering animals, do the same with humans. Humans are the most toxic creatures on earth. There should be testing to breed. You don't pass? Neuter/spay your sorry ass. But what about the human race, it will just die off with no breeding? Doesn't matter, humans are killing planet earth, so what's the difference? Maybe if the population decreased, planet earth will survive.
This is why I run.
If you haven't been married, and don't really have the choice to get married, then of course, you want to get married. It's like that whole maternity leave bullshit, I want three months off just because I choose to, and get paid for it. I choose not to have kids, so why do I have to go to work every day and earn my days off? I have no sympathy when mothers complain about sleepless nights, hey, no one told you to have a baby. Rules should be imposed, have a baby, adopt a baby. Take care of your annoying breeding brothers and sisters who can't take care of their pups. Or get fixed. We impose spaying and neutering animals, do the same with humans. Humans are the most toxic creatures on earth. There should be testing to breed. You don't pass? Neuter/spay your sorry ass. But what about the human race, it will just die off with no breeding? Doesn't matter, humans are killing planet earth, so what's the difference? Maybe if the population decreased, planet earth will survive.
This is why I run.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Do You Walk Everywhere? I Saw You Walking.....
Yeah, I was walking this morning, just finishing 4 miles, supposedly easy run. I was hot and my legs tired, so yeah, I walk. I am walking now, two dogs. Maybe I misunderstood, maybe I didn't hear right - that seems to be a constant these days. Do you go to the run with the dogs? Of course, I do. Really? They run well? Oh wow, misunderstood so how do I play this one off. Oh well, they run okay. This whole listening comprehension stuff has become such a challenge as the months proceed ahead closer to the big 5-0. Well the whole "the run" thing threw me off but I should have realized that I was still in my running stuff, still sweating after the run or another hot flash. No idea anymore, running during the summer with all sorts of internal heat waves, the sweat is nonstop. Whatever.
Do you run with music or nature? I used to depend on something blaring in my head. For the Philly Half, headphones were banned for insurance reasons so I tried to run without. I saw a handful of people who must have missed that detail and were in blissful head escape. I didn't think that I would really make it without, but I had other issues during that half, I don't even remember if I missed headphones. Doubtful. That was my first half, which I didn't train for at all, so all things considered I finished, did fine but my body really was done for. Had a terrible night's sleep, too early a start, freezing cold but then it started. What fun, running through the old haunts, watching some woman relieving herself under the Franklin Bridge, only to turn the corner to see the port-o-potties, right there! In conclusion, an iPod was not necessary, especially after hitting a wall at mile 9, didn't really care about anything other than finishing.
Shorter races in Central Park, I liked having a distraction from the endless chatter of fellow runners along the courses. Now? I like the chatter, the huffing and puffing, feeling the competition in the air as I "jog" to the finish. I only started signing up for "races" after two years of running on the dreadmill. I was "young" then, feeling good, running well, working out everyday. I was such a wreck, nervous, in the bathroom prior to every race, dragging my partner with me, early. Hold my stuff, waiting in line with me at the potties. Asking random people at work if they wanted to run with, sign up. What a trip that was. Soon I would just sign up and go alone, finish and head right home. Then I blew my calf out. That was the beginning of multiple problems with my legs and feet.
There are days that I wish I had started younger, been motivated to exercise, to run, to do something other than party, smoke, eat and just be stupid. It wasn't until I was well over 200 lbs, single, that I realized that I better get busy and take the weight off and get happy again. Now that I am almost 50, the aches and pains from running are annoying, slowing down, not PR-ing anymore. Physically therapy for 12 weeks for my calf, the pain was overwhelming, then back to the pod dr. for plantar's fasciitis. That has never really gone completely away, flairs up. Nerve ending weird stuff in my feet, numbness of the toes, back to the sports dr. Black nails, blisters and now a twinge in my hip. What is going on? "do you walk" cannot run anymore, hip replacement after running his one and only marathon. O-M-G!!! My hip has a slight ache, what is this? I try to stretch my hip flexors but not enough stretching going on, I must confess. Any ache concerns me, so imagine? I am concerned 24/7, gosh, aging is rough. Who knew? I didn't.
Okay the run today was a semi-easy one. I ran 4 miles outside, going north on the eastside, not so hot, it was 5:45 a.m. but humid, of course. I proceeded up 2nd Avenue to 69th and saw that the 2nd Avenue subway had made it to 69th Street, wow. That was fast. I wonder if I will see it down my way in my life time, who knows! I went over to 1st Avenue and started the decend down to 27th Street. I was going at a slower pace than usual, with headphones this morning, listening to the same four songs over and over again. It's odd, because 4 miles is usually simple, but I have this thing, I can't push myself for the last mile, it's so weird. Once a therapist told me that I have issues about ending things, that's why for years I hadn't finished a novel, always stopped a few pages before the end. Losing interest before then, so odd. I did five the other day and getting from 4 miles to 5 was a chore. In my head, I think, well I will stop at 4.80, walk the last bit to cool down like I read somewhere. Where? I don't remember. Today was different, in my head, I figured that I would run over 2.0 mile mark so when I hit the 4.0 mile mark, I will walk the last bit, so running nonstop for 4 miles follows the training program. I have just decided that I am way too much in my head about running.
Podcasts are a cool thing to listen to while running. I love Two Gomers, they are so real, funny, entertaining but really determined and motivated. They motivate me and take my mind off of all the aches that I THINK that I have while running. Marathon Training Academy is another one that I find easy to listen to, Running with the Pack, as well. Oh I listen to others but won't mention them all right now. I realize now that I haven't seen a new podcast from Running with the Pack, Stevie and Allan are so much fun to listen to, give me ideas for fuel and hydration. I can't get the fueling thing together, gels are kind of grody. One of the two Gomers has a problem with the consistency of gu. I have to agree. Hammer is less sweet, but it's still gel. I read that dried fruit works well but in this humidity, it's so gross to handle. I get the gel all over as well while running, I don't like that sticky feeling. I got one of those Camelbak hydropacks. Last Saturday I had a long run of 10 and ran out of water, of course by the end. I am hoping that this week I will be better with the hydration and have some at the end of 12. A friend who is a marathoner suggested putting nuun tablets in the water. Oh so much better than gaterade, which kills my belly. I have such belly issues, don't know how to get my GI to calm down while hot flashing and running in the heat.
Next will be nutrition....
Do you run with music or nature? I used to depend on something blaring in my head. For the Philly Half, headphones were banned for insurance reasons so I tried to run without. I saw a handful of people who must have missed that detail and were in blissful head escape. I didn't think that I would really make it without, but I had other issues during that half, I don't even remember if I missed headphones. Doubtful. That was my first half, which I didn't train for at all, so all things considered I finished, did fine but my body really was done for. Had a terrible night's sleep, too early a start, freezing cold but then it started. What fun, running through the old haunts, watching some woman relieving herself under the Franklin Bridge, only to turn the corner to see the port-o-potties, right there! In conclusion, an iPod was not necessary, especially after hitting a wall at mile 9, didn't really care about anything other than finishing.
Shorter races in Central Park, I liked having a distraction from the endless chatter of fellow runners along the courses. Now? I like the chatter, the huffing and puffing, feeling the competition in the air as I "jog" to the finish. I only started signing up for "races" after two years of running on the dreadmill. I was "young" then, feeling good, running well, working out everyday. I was such a wreck, nervous, in the bathroom prior to every race, dragging my partner with me, early. Hold my stuff, waiting in line with me at the potties. Asking random people at work if they wanted to run with, sign up. What a trip that was. Soon I would just sign up and go alone, finish and head right home. Then I blew my calf out. That was the beginning of multiple problems with my legs and feet.
There are days that I wish I had started younger, been motivated to exercise, to run, to do something other than party, smoke, eat and just be stupid. It wasn't until I was well over 200 lbs, single, that I realized that I better get busy and take the weight off and get happy again. Now that I am almost 50, the aches and pains from running are annoying, slowing down, not PR-ing anymore. Physically therapy for 12 weeks for my calf, the pain was overwhelming, then back to the pod dr. for plantar's fasciitis. That has never really gone completely away, flairs up. Nerve ending weird stuff in my feet, numbness of the toes, back to the sports dr. Black nails, blisters and now a twinge in my hip. What is going on? "do you walk" cannot run anymore, hip replacement after running his one and only marathon. O-M-G!!! My hip has a slight ache, what is this? I try to stretch my hip flexors but not enough stretching going on, I must confess. Any ache concerns me, so imagine? I am concerned 24/7, gosh, aging is rough. Who knew? I didn't.
Okay the run today was a semi-easy one. I ran 4 miles outside, going north on the eastside, not so hot, it was 5:45 a.m. but humid, of course. I proceeded up 2nd Avenue to 69th and saw that the 2nd Avenue subway had made it to 69th Street, wow. That was fast. I wonder if I will see it down my way in my life time, who knows! I went over to 1st Avenue and started the decend down to 27th Street. I was going at a slower pace than usual, with headphones this morning, listening to the same four songs over and over again. It's odd, because 4 miles is usually simple, but I have this thing, I can't push myself for the last mile, it's so weird. Once a therapist told me that I have issues about ending things, that's why for years I hadn't finished a novel, always stopped a few pages before the end. Losing interest before then, so odd. I did five the other day and getting from 4 miles to 5 was a chore. In my head, I think, well I will stop at 4.80, walk the last bit to cool down like I read somewhere. Where? I don't remember. Today was different, in my head, I figured that I would run over 2.0 mile mark so when I hit the 4.0 mile mark, I will walk the last bit, so running nonstop for 4 miles follows the training program. I have just decided that I am way too much in my head about running.
Podcasts are a cool thing to listen to while running. I love Two Gomers, they are so real, funny, entertaining but really determined and motivated. They motivate me and take my mind off of all the aches that I THINK that I have while running. Marathon Training Academy is another one that I find easy to listen to, Running with the Pack, as well. Oh I listen to others but won't mention them all right now. I realize now that I haven't seen a new podcast from Running with the Pack, Stevie and Allan are so much fun to listen to, give me ideas for fuel and hydration. I can't get the fueling thing together, gels are kind of grody. One of the two Gomers has a problem with the consistency of gu. I have to agree. Hammer is less sweet, but it's still gel. I read that dried fruit works well but in this humidity, it's so gross to handle. I get the gel all over as well while running, I don't like that sticky feeling. I got one of those Camelbak hydropacks. Last Saturday I had a long run of 10 and ran out of water, of course by the end. I am hoping that this week I will be better with the hydration and have some at the end of 12. A friend who is a marathoner suggested putting nuun tablets in the water. Oh so much better than gaterade, which kills my belly. I have such belly issues, don't know how to get my GI to calm down while hot flashing and running in the heat.
Next will be nutrition....
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Today is for the Dread Mill
It's a work day. After having a few days off from the office grind, I realize that 5:30 a.m. routine really sucks for someone who is tired all of the time. Now I am REALLY tired, coffee seems to help. I trudged to the gym, not knowing that it would be the perfect running outside morning, no humidity. Needless to say, it was too late to head back to the apartment, when I felt the fresh crisp air. So off I ran to the gym, how exciting. Mostly because I wanted to catch up with a gym buddy after so many days of being out of touch. I had a dilemma at hand, however. I was scheduled for a 4 mile run and wanted to do some weight training as well.
The reason why Wednesday running in the morning is such an issue now is that there is a social run for the team that I joined a few months back. I go back and forth, go, not go, hot, not so hot, social, antisocial, fast, slow, on and on, in my head. Is that part of the whole aging thing? Can't make a decision? So far I have gone for three of their social runs over the past months because Wednesday nights for me are tough. Work. Work is the biggest obstacle here. Can I get out of here and up to 90th & Fifth by 7:30. Hmm, yes, I can. So there you go, another confession, laziness and lack of motivation prevents me from doing so many things. Now THAT'S this whole thing, of just being tired all of the time. So today is a great day to have an evening run, no humidity at all. But of course, I already ran 4 miles on the treadmill.
So there I was running on the treadmill. I can keep a faster pace than I actually run, in general, outside. So of course, there is a feeling of improvement on the treadmill. I can watch the news over and over and over again, so I feel "current." I have access to the rest room, water and towels to wipe my sweaty brow. Even a fan blows, if I want to cool down. So there I was watching tv, increasing the speed, the incline, feeling okay until...oh my gawd, this hot hot hot feeling begins to rush through me and the sweat pour out of me like buckets. Okay, here we go again, hot flash, maybe? It's the most uncomfortable thing ever. I wake up at 3 a.m. every morning, hot hot hot. Even as I blog here, I can feel the heat rising.
How much longer can I bitch and moan about the hot flashes? I guess until they go away. The feeling of aging is not a happy one, that's all I know. 20s were okay, breaking lose, enjoying the lack of parental control, trying to figure out what to be when I grew up. Always trying to figure out, trying to be so adult as a 20 something, wasn't everyone the same then? My 30s were not much better, I got married just because there was someone to marry for all of the wrong reasons so why the hell not, didn't everyone get married like that? Divorced in my 30s and then converted to "gay life!" Now my 40s, so welcomed, so calm, so zenned out, love my 40s. Years of therapy, change of job in my late 30s, getting "healthy" was the top priority, just like a gay man! Everyone knows what that's like, right???? Everyone loves their 40s, no? Am I wrong about that? I have no clue, but for me, 40 was a nightmare birthday, but an awesome decade of freedom and less stress! Until now.
More later.....
The reason why Wednesday running in the morning is such an issue now is that there is a social run for the team that I joined a few months back. I go back and forth, go, not go, hot, not so hot, social, antisocial, fast, slow, on and on, in my head. Is that part of the whole aging thing? Can't make a decision? So far I have gone for three of their social runs over the past months because Wednesday nights for me are tough. Work. Work is the biggest obstacle here. Can I get out of here and up to 90th & Fifth by 7:30. Hmm, yes, I can. So there you go, another confession, laziness and lack of motivation prevents me from doing so many things. Now THAT'S this whole thing, of just being tired all of the time. So today is a great day to have an evening run, no humidity at all. But of course, I already ran 4 miles on the treadmill.
So there I was running on the treadmill. I can keep a faster pace than I actually run, in general, outside. So of course, there is a feeling of improvement on the treadmill. I can watch the news over and over and over again, so I feel "current." I have access to the rest room, water and towels to wipe my sweaty brow. Even a fan blows, if I want to cool down. So there I was watching tv, increasing the speed, the incline, feeling okay until...oh my gawd, this hot hot hot feeling begins to rush through me and the sweat pour out of me like buckets. Okay, here we go again, hot flash, maybe? It's the most uncomfortable thing ever. I wake up at 3 a.m. every morning, hot hot hot. Even as I blog here, I can feel the heat rising.
How much longer can I bitch and moan about the hot flashes? I guess until they go away. The feeling of aging is not a happy one, that's all I know. 20s were okay, breaking lose, enjoying the lack of parental control, trying to figure out what to be when I grew up. Always trying to figure out, trying to be so adult as a 20 something, wasn't everyone the same then? My 30s were not much better, I got married just because there was someone to marry for all of the wrong reasons so why the hell not, didn't everyone get married like that? Divorced in my 30s and then converted to "gay life!" Now my 40s, so welcomed, so calm, so zenned out, love my 40s. Years of therapy, change of job in my late 30s, getting "healthy" was the top priority, just like a gay man! Everyone knows what that's like, right???? Everyone loves their 40s, no? Am I wrong about that? I have no clue, but for me, 40 was a nightmare birthday, but an awesome decade of freedom and less stress! Until now.
More later.....
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Aging is for the Aged
I was out today for a short 5 mile run along the East River. Summer in NYC has been pretty mild until now. Last week it was brutally hot and humid but I kept up with my training program, running outside v. on the dreadmill. I don't normally want to talk about my running or training because it's just that personal thing that I have gotten into late in life. I have met people that just want to compete and brag about their accomplishments, which is unimpressive and bothersome for someone who is 20+ their senior. I am the wrong person to compete with, I'm almost 50, afterall!!
So there I was this morning, running at a very slow pace, pouring in sweat, trying to figure out if it was really that hot today or was it another hot flash. I was so in my head since my headphones weren't staying on so I was running in silence, just my heavy breathing, started to question if anyone else is going through this hell on earth??? I guess women just don't talk about any of this, especially if they are competitive by nature, what? Aging? Slowing down? Not so fast, no stamina, no drive, just want to sleep, not me!! I have no problem bitching about it, it's so frustrating. In my head I decided I would start to blog about it, hoping that it would work as therapy and I would just get over it. GET OVER IT!
Don't think that anyone will be following my whole aging experience, but if you love to run, inside, out and are "middle aged" as I am, I hope that this helps. You aren't alone, I am right there with you! I feel alone in this private summer but I know you are out there somewhere in the vast crazy world!
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