Well today is a rest day. I could have gone to the gym to crosstrain. Thought better of it, don't want to do too much. My feet and legs, brain, all tired. Need more sleep but menopause doesn't grant you that, hot flashes, restless sleeping, waking up constantly. Not enough sleep = early death? Hmm, no surprise. That's just great, as you age, you are closer to your grave so your body is just gearing up for a long slow death. Such a comforting thought, right?
Aging is hard, and doing it alone is even more difficult. My father died four years ago now. It was kind of a shock that he got so sick and died within 90 days. He never spoke about illness, always appeared to be healthy, just slowing down a bit with age. He was over 80 afterall, but lo and behold, he died after 90 days in the hospital and 2 weeks in rehab because medicare stops after 90 days. Such bureaucratic bullshit, if you ask me. You can't get old and SICK in this country, you are screwed regardless if you have the best insurance policies. Hospitals just kick you to the curb and throw you into rehab, even if they know damn well that you shouldn't be released from the hospital. Whatever, medical care in this country is shameful.
So now my mother is left alone. I assumed that she would just blossom and come out of her shell as soon as my controlling father passed. Boy, I was so wrong. She was so oppressed for so many years that she lost all ability to think for her own. At least that's what I thought. Needless to say, I was very wrong in my assumptions and observations. My mother was in early early stages of Alzheimer's and has progressfullly gotten worse over time, especially this past year. No one knows what this disease does to a person unless you have someone close to you going through it. People try to compare to their grandparents or their healthy but aging parent(s) but there is no comparison. At least I don't feel that anything comes close. What to do? What next? Is she really that bad? All these unwanted questions, and then straight into denial. Thank goodness my partner/girlfriend has taken control of the situation, inquiring, spending hours in the chatrooms on Alzheimers.org website, education herself. She took over my mother's bill paying, tax, everything with my signature and stamp of approval. I am lucky.
We go up to my mother's in Vermont once a month. I leave my partner with my mother for hours while I run. I cannot spend a lot of time with my mother, she's nasty, not my favorite person in the world. Critical, judgmental, demanding..so out the door I go, running. It's too stressful driving there, seeing what the caregivers aren't doing and then trying to get my mother to focus. I push myself out the door and up and down the rolling hills surrounding my mom's house, not easy for an aging chick like me! Anything to get me away from the disease and my mother. I am lucky.
Now it's time to move her closer to us. Manhattan is the cheapest place but it's here, near my mother's only family, me. She's healthy physically, her memory her only enemy. My father made sure that financially, all was set for long term care. So to get her here will be an effort, cleaning and selling the house another effort, but at least my mother won't be alone in that big house with strangers coming in daily, a danger to herself. I hope that her last few years will be peaceful.
My mother is lucky.
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